you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
