Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
