So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
