Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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