I can't watch pbs sober anymore
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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