So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
