wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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