I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and she was petting her beer can
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
