get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
