my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize