I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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