Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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