Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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