I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
