I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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