I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
