Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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