I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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