dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
