Do you still have your period?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
