everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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