I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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