Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
