rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
