So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
