Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
