On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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