The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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