Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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