Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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