i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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