I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
