They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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