Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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