when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
