i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
