I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
