The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
