The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
