First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We are all done wearing pants today
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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