Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
