she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize