I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize