Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
