The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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