Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
