I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I want her autograph on my taint
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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