Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
