no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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