Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize