i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
