Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
zippers are such a cool invention
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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