You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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