I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
