the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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