watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
