There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
