He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
