Just cropdusted the office
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
