it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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