if you like me you must not know who I am
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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