I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
